Let’s Get Personal

My reality is crumbling around me, and all I have that is true is my son.  I clutch onto him as our previous life disintegrates into the fiery ashes of the betrayal that brought us to this point.  Legend says that the phoenix rises will rise from his ashes, and so then I must also rise. I rise into a life I do not want, but the one I have ever known that only survives in the ashes around me was only an illusion.  It is an illusion built upon hopes and dreams, but fed with lies, deceit, and bitterness.  It was not supposed to be this way.  I put my life’s blood, sweat, and tears in its maintenance, but the fates are ungrateful bitches to my sacrifices.  Nothing that I had intended or set forth in this life has been actualized despite by my crippled, yet best effort, to make my dreams come true.  The only and most precious of these efforts is my son, and I will not fail him.  I will not allow him to feel the abandonment and lack of love I have experienced in life. That is why I must be reborn into this new life though it be kicking and screaming, and not let the pain devour me.

Sure, I hate change, but I do I do understand that it is necessary for progress. I do not know what will come from this change, but despite its terrible beginning, I only hope for positive results in whatever form they reveal themselves to be. I cannot be hopeful of anything lest my heart be broken again, but I must unlock it again though this time in a different way.  I do not know yet that difference, or even what that difference means or what it will be.  I want to let go of all the shit, and feel, really feel, the minutes of happiness I allow myself to experience, and maybe they will multiply.  Therefore, I shake off these damn ashes, and somehow, after all these years show the world all the beauty I have to offer because any real happiness, for me or for G, is dependent upon it.