I don’t have it in me to do this right now, but I have a suspicion that that is exactly why I should be. I’m exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally. I can’t seem to get ahead to a place where I feel I can be creative because my mind is always buzzing with something, or not buzzing with anything. In other words, my thoughts are either to chaotic or nonexistent and I’m just trying to veg out in front of the television. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not think so much: the whole ignorance is bliss thing. Would I really want an ordinary life where I could find happiness in the mundane, 9-5 cliché thing most people ? I’ve tried it, and I think it just about killed me (my soul is pretty much dead from it most likely). If I left my imagination behind and just existed in the sphere in which I reside? I’m thinking that life would be less complex, but is it in the complexity that I find so much anxiety where most who acknowledge this find beauty in it instead? I am overwhelmed by everything. I feel like I am constantly fighting the everyday necessities of life, and without conquering them, ignoring what is necessary to this healing process. It’s part of the whole problem with perfection thing. If life isn’t aligning the way I feel it should, I become aggravated and distant rather than tacking whatever is misaligning things, or I resist the very activities that would sway that negativity back towards the positive which would inherently (probably) solve the original issue. I think maybe, like holding onto my anxiety, I also hang on to unresolved issues because they give me fuel. I am never so productive or proudly self-sufficient as when I am upset with someone. That is not fair to them or to my own abilities.
I think partially that this recent bout of growing pains is having to do with being spoiled. Things have been handed to me, done for me, whatever my whole life. I feel I hardly have any achievements that are truly my own, except for my college career. I need to just get over myself and get shit done. I need to build something for myself that I can be proud of. I am working on that now. Career changes are ahead, and I’m headed in a direction I never intended to go. But, I’m ready to break out of my corporate shell, my cocoon. I’ve been babied in there too. I’m ready to grow up.
I really do not know what I am writing about. I have no purpose in this post beyond the simple act of putting my thoughts into writing when I feel most resistant to do so.