I just finished a revision on a paper for school, and I feel okay about the changes I made. I have to add here that I hate revision. What chances do I have of ever becoming a writing instructor with that sentence out there? Well, its true. I have such high expectations of myself that I do not make allowances to not get it right on the first attempt. No second chances for me. Margaret Atwood says, “If I waited for perfection I would never write a word.” Yeah. I wait for perfection, and it never comes hence the crippling creative block I’ve been suffering from these last few years. I do not tolerate anything less than perfection, until now. In this blog, this public forum of all places, I am finally free to just write without expectation of doing anything but getting words out. Unfortunately, This attitude has not yet influenced my academic life as I still do not draft as I should. I pore over my computer screen for hours with the blinking cursor taunting me at the top of the empty screen. The problem here is that I simply feel that I have no time for drafting, and that I have to produce that “A” paper on my first attempt, and for awhile that technique served me well. But, that was back when I was not as backward creatively as I am now. Essays are a struggle, and the essay I just had to revise is proof of that fact. It was really bad. Which brings me to the next reason why I hate revision: I am too embarrassed to go back and read what I have previously written. I write and never look back unless I absolutely have to do so. I am terrified to discover just how awful my writing is; therefore if I never read it, I never have to know and just let someone else determine its value for me. I have no confidence in my abilities. None. I could make all the As in the world, an receive glowing reviews and compliments, but I’m not sure that I could ever believe that I am good at anything (much less the thing I want to be good at the most: writing). I am beginning to see that to get out of the mess I am in that I just have to jump. I just have to believe that my writing has value, that I have value. So, I just have to keep on trying, I guess, and maybe one day I will believe. My lesson here is that, okay, revision isn’t my enemy (this is a lesson I have to keep relearning), and I have to give myself permission to write badly to be able to write at all.