This is something my granny would always tell me. “Pretty is as Pretty does.” I think about this phrase often, not by way of the vanity it implies, but by something much deeper. Beauty fades, both internally and externally, if it is not fostered, taken care of properly. This has more to do with our hearts than with our bodies. Ugliness on the inside radiates outwardly, and things are looking very ugly right now. My heart is shattered, not only by the incidents of my own life, but it is also pained by images of other world suffering. My personal pain pales in comparison to that of 99.9% of the world, and I am constantly humbled by my blessings. But, what do I do to aid those in need. Nothing. This pretty does nothing. And that is a problem.
How do I get out of this damned state of apathy? I guess it will just have to be the same way I am attempting to get out of this creative block. By simply doing something, or saying something real. My mind is so warped by anxiety that most of the time I feel hardly functional, but maybe if I focus on the outside it will affect the inside. My heart is not hardened, in fact, it is quite the opposite, but the walls I have build around it are seemingly impenetrable. How do I free myself from the masochistic bonds of my own cynicism? I feel the joy bubbling underneath the black surface of my psyche, but I do not let it out because it is so innocent to this world. I feel it all, but really, I feel nothing because feeling hurts too much. I turn away from other’s pain to nurse the seemingly insignificant, by comparison, pains of my own heart, and to avoid real emotions because I fear cannot handle them. If I am to embrace beauty, I must first wade through the pain.