Out of Body

I live outside of my body.  Bodies are deceptive.  Bodies are mortal.  They grow weak and cancerous.  I do not trust my body to not betray me with disease, so I deny it my attention.  But, in this denial, I am not allowed to be present, and to experience this life, the full spectrum of it, full of pleasure and pain.  I stay out of my body, and trapped in the anxious madness of my mind.  It is my mind that tricks me into believing that my body is its traitor, but truly, my mind is my ultimate betrayer.  The only way out of its control, is in.  Into my body, that is.

Learning to trust my body is even more difficult, I think, than learning to trust another human.  We are our own worst enemies after all. Trusting one’s self is essential, I would assume, but I feel that I do not even trust my self enough to trust myself.  How do  I sooth my troubled mind enough to ease itself back into its container?   I’ve tried meditation (panic), I’ve tried yoga (close, but still excited my inner perfectionist), I’ve tried various other physical activities that one must be present in their body to be able to participate in and enjoy.  But, my mind escapes me and goes where emotion and feeling cannot affect it.  The base feelings and sensations of my body are too raw.  They do not exist in my cerebral lifestyle of avoiding emotions.  I am slowly discovering that they way I am to go out of my mind, is to go into my body.

I want to dissolve

and let every atom of my being disperse

into the air.

I can no longer be contained

strung together by hopes

easily obliterated by thoughts.

 

Destruction is their intent

So, I will save them the trouble in

Self-dissolution.

 

And when all my pieces are carefully reconstructed, I will have peace of mind and body, and they will work in harmony with one another.

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