I have spent most of my thirty something (you expect me to admit it) years as a creature of fear. Fear of what my parents think. Fear of what my teachers think. Fear of what my peers think. Fear of not even knowing what I think. My consciousness has been contained by it like a trapped animal, and pending its release (or spontaneous combustion), I am faced with another fear. Fear of letting my fear go. It is my motivation, but it is a cruel motivator because it misguides me into saying or doing things that are not of my true self. But, what is this true self that I am searching for? I haven’t a clue. But, I know upon it’s release from its captor there will be peace and hopefully, it will help me find what I am searching for in this path I have put myself on: creativity. But, what if I have too much light? I am so accustomed to my darkness. I’m the girl who can kill with a look. Electronics overheat in my presence when my tension is high. Can my energetic self have this same power if I give it over to a different purpose? Can I still be me?
This is probably the most rambling and preposterous post I have made thus far. (There’s that fear of judgement again). But, these are all things that have weighed heavily on me. I feel that, of course, if I give up this fear and make way for a more positive, and thus creative, use of my energy there will be bountiful benefits. Sometimes I feel what it must be like on the other side, and it feels really good. I let myself occasionally enjoy a few moments there, and then the fear returns. It is a part of me. Proof that it is still in possession is that I cannot even put my damn name of this blog. The two of you who read it know who I am, so it is completely ridiculous that I am still to afraid. Which leads to a whole other aspect of my fear.
Not only am I afraid of what others think of me, I am afraid of what my true feelings will do to others. I do not want to hurt anyone, but inevitably, I will. My twisted mind is a product of not only my own coping mechanisms, but also those who forced me into their creation. Facing those issues and forgiving their perpetrators is a while other aspect of this process that I fear. My past hurts and disappointments are the foundations of my soul’s prison which makes them a foundation of me (at least the earthly me that stifles my creativity). Forgiveness would be their only undoing. But, again these grudges (for lack of a better word) fuel my decisions, my thoughts, even my values. This should not be so. Forgiveness, I have come to understand, is not something you give to the usurper of your trust, but something you give to your self so that you may find peace. I am beginning to understand this concept. However, it does not quell the pangs of fear of letting it all go.
I don’t even know how I got from fear to forgiveness, but I guess it needed to come out this way.